I Should Have Worked Harder

Wake Up Call?

Today I woke up at 4:15 pm; I went to bed at 2am. I sleep all day to avoid over- eating and to think that another day is already half over and I’m one day closer to going home. It’s depressing, I know it’s a problem. It’s only recently gotten worse. Today I was on facebook and just flipping through the feed when I saw one of my friends get their white coat at some ceremony for doctors. I was so proud of him, but it made me sad. Most of my friends from high school will become business people, doctors, fashion designers, and teachers. They are all brilliant and study all the time. They have set their sights on their goals and have not only accomplished them but also soared to even higher achievements. For me, I think I peaked in high school. My junior year, I was top in my English class, did all the clubs, worked hard, got As and Bs, but since I graduated, I can barely keep my GPA above 3.0. Yes, I do understand that I go to a highly competitive Christian college, but I feel like such a failure, I should have studied harder; I should have just worked a little harder. I haven’t won anything since junior year of high school and even though I know awards are not important, I feel like if I just tried harder I would be able to get one. All of my wonderful friends here study all the time even when they were on the swim team. They studied so much and tried so hard to get things right. My roommate was like that last year and I wish I could  be like that. It makes me feel lazy and pathetic. I had a wonderful opportunity and I blew it. I wish I could start college all over.  I would stick with my education major and then I would graduate with a job and be successful. Who am I kidding that I can be a youth pastor? I’m scared of troubled teens especially if I don’t know them. How can I teach them when I hardly know what I am doing?  I have been kidding myself since I changed my major. The only reason why I changed it in the first place was because I suck at explaining things esp. math and I don’t want to be responsible if a young child can’t do math because I suck at teaching it. I don’t even do well in my English classes because I can write a paper properly especially if it’s an argumentative one. I’ve only gotten a B on one paper and that was based on a theme in one of our stories. Those are the only papers I can write, that’s it. I didn’t even do well in creative writing. My poor parents, they never have nagged me about grades and only been supportive and helpful especially when I needed help in maths.  I am glad that they were supportive; I’m lucky because some kids get under so much pressure. But now I am so scared. I’m graduating in a year! Even if I do finally get my GPA up, it doesn’t matter. I don’t have the money to keep going with my education, my parents have done enough penny pinching to keep us above water and I feel guilty. It’s all because of me. Now, I’m just going to come out with some degree in something that doesn’t even get a real job? What was I thinking? I feel like all I am going to do for the rest of my life is my summer job as a lifeguard and swim instructor. Don’t get me wrong I love that job, but not what I want to do for my whole rest of life. I know my parents are proud of me, but I am not. I am disappointed in the fact that I couldn’t keep my grades up, that I skipped so many classes this semester alone, that I am going to graduate and not be able to get a job. Yes, I know to trust in God and pray about it, but if I could have avoided all this anxiety and worries, I would have done so much more work, studying, gone to the writing centre more, gotten a tutor in math, but I didn’t and now I ruined my future. While my friends are off being great wonderful doctors, teachers, and fashion designers, I’m going to be stuck at home, living with my parents, miserable and all because I didn’t work hard enough. Its not too late to start working hard and at least raising my GPA, but its too late to change my major and re-do college. I’d give anything to do so.



2 responses to “I Should Have Worked Harder

  1. Stop.
    Keep going…

    We don’t have NEARLY as much control over our lives as we think… One day you’ll realize this.
    Until then, continue to do the best you can with what you’ve got. Start looking forward instead of just looking backwards. Start acknowledging what you ARE good at, and what makes you an individual, instead of comparing yourself to everyone else.

    If you keep weighing yourself against everyone else, you’ll never measure up. You’ll never be happy with who you are because you’ll constantly expect yourself to be like “them.” But you’re not them. You’re you. You’re not them. You’re you.
    Be ok with being you.
    Be ok with you.

    I’m ok with you.

  2. Amen to that comment! I’m praying that in the midst of all your swirling thoughts you’ll rejoice in the Lord, pray with thanks and then know God’s peace (Phil 4:6-8).

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