My heart is here in my hometown, where the air smells like the ocean, a good night out is just driving out to Plum Island and talking, and the sweet sound of children stepping off the bus running home from a long day at school. My heart is in Scotland, where my lovely window awaits someone new to ponder upon it as they watch the 5am sunrise, where the kids I taught swimming are, where Emily, Rosie, Elijah, Anna, and Mikey are. My heart is in Norway, North Carolina, Upstate New York, New Hampshire, Chile, California, Georgia, Florida, Maine, and all around the world. A piece of me in all these places is a good thing and a blessing, but leaves me a little disconnected especially since I’ve spent most of my last few months in one place, growing. You would think I would be over it by now, the transition of Scotland to home, but I’m not even close to being over it. Mandy’s voice rings in my ears with that southern accent, “Girl, you need to process!” She’s right and I know I have to begin to pull my life here back together a little. I know I need to start writing again, pick up and unpack my bible that probably has dust critters on it. So, what am I waiting for?
I went to my school church today and although it felt good to be back and receiving such a welcome by this family, it felt as if I was dreaming. As if I was in a state of me just watching and not participating. I tried to force myself to shake it off and helped set some things for the potluck we were having after, but it didn’t feel right. The service was the same with a good message and stuff, it wasn’t that. It was me. I had changed. I keep telling myself that, I really didn’t change THAT much, but I did. A Lot! It’s a good thing, but I have to get used to me being different slightly while everything around me seems the same. I haven’t even gotten to that part of how others have changed yet. I’m glad to have a summer to get it together before Gordon starts in August because I know if I even try to look to that I get all stressed out and panicky. Don’t get me wrong I can’t wait to get back there, but I need to process Scotland and transition. I am so thankful for being able to know so many amazing people from across the country and the world. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, where do I go from here? Well, I take a step and keep walking until the pace and surroundings become familiar. This entry is a small step, as was going to church today. Sometimes the steps will be small and easy to take, others might keep me planted in the ground for a few weeks, but either way as long as I keep walking, talking with the Lord, and keeping in touch where my hearts are then I will get through it. This is not going to be easy, but I can’t go back and I can’t stay put, so I place my left foot in front of my right and take another step.