Hate: to feel intense dislike

I hate my life right now. Hate is a word I do not enjoy using, but it is needed because that is how I feel inside along with: stupid, disappointment, and loser. I can’t help it, it’s the way I feel. I crashed my car Sunday after church, and things even before this big crash has made my life a living Hell. I feel like things were so much easier before college happened. But now I feel trapped in my world of angry, disappointed parents, failed classes, crashed cars, dependence, loans, and burned out co workers, lack of staff, lack of coverage, lack of joy, love, hope, peace. I want to be anywhere and anyone but here and me right now. As I write this, I’m thinking ok get real, at least your not a starving poor mom in Africa, but honestly I’ve been through so much shit this summer, I am at my wits end. I do care about Africans, but please right now let me have this.  I have nothing going for me right now. At least that’s how I feel. Honestly, come on, there is no way I’ll even be able to find a job that I can do with an English Major and forget about going back to school, I know I can’t pay all those thousands of dollars back especially if I still work as a lifeguard, now can I? I know I have a poor attitude; I know I should talk to God and pray about it, I know I should look on the bright side, at least I’m not dead right? Ha. If I knew this was how my life was going to turn out, I would have checked out long ago, but I can’t now there are too many people I love and too many who love me, which is the last bit of hope I can grab on to. But really I hate it. I keep getting panic attacks, crying fits, anger that makes my head hurt and my face red, keep swearing and fighting with my parents, have to get driven everywhere, can’t do anymore money making things like babysit, housesit, and petsit, can’t move into Gordon on time, can’t buy new school supplies or drive to the beach, hell I can’t even go to fricken church for goodness sake. Don’t tell me things will get better because they haven’t and they won’t at least they haven’t for about 3 years now. Something else will just come along and beat me. I’m so sick of fighting now I just lie down and fricken take the beatings. Yes, maybe if possible I might get out of this horrible part of my life (like it has been the last 3 years minus a few months of good stuff in there), and think oh how stronger am I because I lived through all this! NOT! I feel hopeless and I know it is dangerous to feel this way but you know what, I am just so pissed off. And where is God? Hello! I’m struggling down here, where are you? Are you punishing me? Are you trying to get my attention? Well you have it, what do you want from me?! Why is my life so bad lately? Do you enjoying watching me suffer? I’m not Job. God, just tell me what you want, what you need from me, what you want me to do and I will do it, but please just take away all this suffering, please God. I thought you were supposed to be a loving God? Where is the love, God? Where is the love?

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