Today is Christmas Eve and usually this day is a great day of waiting and being patient for the coming day, Christmas! This year though and I’ve noticed as I have gotten older that the “Christmas Spirit” keeps fading from me. 2010 was a rough year of crazy lessons, growing up, and learning how to be independent, as is every year, but to me this year was full of them! At the moment both my parents are upset and disappointed in me for a few things I did this year especially the most recent incidents. So, instead of even having a party today, I am doing errands or stuck in the house. I have no freedom. I’m 22. About to graduate from Gordon and yet I feel pressured and stuck.
To be honest, I feel left behind. First though I do know not to compare myself to others, but it is still something I struggle with, so bear with me here. Most of the good friends I’ve made at Gordon have already graduated, are abroad or are going abroad. I feel lonely at school sometimes. I love my floor though; they are what really get me through the days and weeks. So, I do have some people around, but I just miss my “core” group that would just randomly do fun things a lot. Many are bound for great things, amazing, and Godly things. Seeing the joy God brings them and how they live out their lives is something I would love to have and be. I am so proud of them, but how come I can’t find that joy in a new future and new plan? Mostly because I am anxious and worried and I don’t really have a plan, but Gods. I used to be able to find simple joy, but now I feel like my heart is of stone. I’ve been doing things out of character and it is making me feel horrible and not myself. I don’t know what it is.
God life and my soul are feeling pretty blackened and yucky. I haven’t been doing anything to really fix it either so that’s my bad, but I did start reading a Christian book about dealing with anxiety. My Scotland Mum got it for me before I left. It’s a really good book and has already helped me in a few chapters. Another confession I haven’t been to church in a while, last week I was just in the pageant, but I got really lazy and finals came, bad excuses but that’s what I told myself. I should have gone more; I think it would have helped me sooner. So, as you can see this Christmas Eve, Kp, has a lot of soul work and God relationships to work on. I am trying hard to keep my attitude positive although that is a challenge with my parents. Maybe a little Christmas music, a quiet walk, and the candle light service tonight will help me get into the mood and spirit of Christmas. I mean it is Jesus’ birthday after all and since He came to save me, I should at least try to be positive and show good tidings to those around me. No matter what is going on, this day isn’t about anything but HIM! I think it’s a reminder we all need.
It hasn’t been all bad! Here are some funny pictures from Christmas break so far!