Spilt Coffee

Everyone gets stressed out at times, in fact, it is a daily occurrence. Most people can handle your typical stressors, such as an exam, late for work, or even spilling something on your shirt. BUT for someone who has adult ADHD and Mood issues, having a stain on your shirt could ruin the whole day. In fact, something like this happened to me this morning. I am always late, rushing around in the mornings before work, even though i have a routine i can never finish it properly because I’m already 15min behind from not waking up on time. Anyways, i spilled coffee on not only my new jacket but my shirt, bag, and lunch. yuck! spilled-coffeestoryI was all ready to just drop it all in a heap and crawl back to bed. When something gives me anxiety or stress or both lol, I react in either of 3 ways, I get wicked angry, yell, swear a little, maybe take it out on someone else, or I completely shut down, or if the moons are all in balance, pigs are flying, I react in a calm matter, pick myself up, and continue on with my day. I usually react with a mixture of silence, anger, and attitude. Recently though, I’ve been reading a few books on anxiety and stress, and found out some neat ways to deal with reactions to stress better. I know the angry attitude was not the way I wanted to react when things got stressful, especially when the stress cooker is turned al the way to extreme heat! In case you are still wondering about what happened to me, I got angry but not too much and just complained a lot. I got an email from RealAge, kind of like a partner with Dr. Oz. I don’t even remember signing up but regardless, the subject was how adults with ADHD deal with stress and how to manage it better. I read through the list and the usual was on there, eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, blah blah blah. I wanted something new or at least something I haven’t tried yet.

Number one on the RealAge tip list is, of course, get regular exercise. I was tempted to skip to the next one when I really thought about how active my lifestyle was earlier in my life. Being super active on sports teams, dance, and swimming, those times in my life were good, goal-oriented, and fun. Even when the pressure was on for a meet, show, or championship; I still felt good after a nice swim or rehearsal. I felt like I was able to kick out the stress mumble jumbo in my mind by exercising. weird, but it worked. Now to just get motivated again…

Next tip was relaxation exercises, such a breathing, relaxing muscles one by one, and meditation. breathing was hard for me because i kept over thinking it. i was constantly wondering how i was doing the breathing instead of just listening to the inhale exhale, i was always making sure i had counted evenly enough, only then be distracted all over again. That one was not for me.

Relaxing muscles one by one, really helped a lot, but I can only do this exercise before bed because by the time I have relaxed every muscle head to foot I am asleep. So, if you have a racing, worried mind while you are trying to get some well-needed shut-eye this trick is for you. First, tense your whole body up, then from you toes to your head relax each body part muscle, very slowly, the slower the better. By the time you reach your head, you’ll be ready for sleep or already snoring!

MeditationMeditation is also good, but again for me this is more of a prayer time. It is really hard for me just to sit still and just breathe. I do meditate daily once in the morning at breakfast and at night before I go to bed. For me it helps me to connect with what’s going on in my life and tell it as if i am talking to a friend. This keeps me grounded and helps my mind not to blur the line of reality and what ifs.

The third tip is positive thinking and doing. Thinking your crap all the time will make you feel like crap, so do some positive journaling whether you use words, art, or music. Keep a thankful jar and every day write what you are grateful for.

thankfuljarLooking back on these especially during a low period can be a tremendous help in lowing your stress and anxiety. Caring for pets or others, helps you to feel wanted and needed. Volunteering is not only a boost for you but a major help to the organization or group you’re working with. I enjoy teaching kids  at choir and Sunday school. Even though sometimes these things cause me stress, I don’t mind much because i am giving back and helping others.

So, there you have it a few things to combat poor reactions to stressful situations.

1. Exercise, 2. Breathing, 3. Relaxing Muscles, 4. Meditation or prayer, and 5. Positive actions and thoughts.

Give some of these tips a chance and over time, you will discover what works best for you.

Resource: http://www.realage.com/managing-adult-adhd/adult-adhd-reduce-stress-of-adhd?click=ohg-top

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Changing It Up for the New Year 2013

New Year 2013, a fresh start, a new blog and title. I decided since I am no longer in college, yay graduate! A new title with a new focus seemed fitting. I choose Spontaneous Expression and the info blurb: An Active Mind and a Restless Urge to Explore New Ideas During Everyday Life because it honestly describes my mind. I have a very fast paced mind that races from one emotion to the next either by hour, week, month, or season. There is a name for it, a mood disorder combined with ADHD. Why would I express this over the internet sphere? Well, I realized that I’m not some freak of nature and  many successful people have this disorder. I want others to know that they are not ‘freaks’ either. That we can go to school, graduate, and lead productive lives just like everyone else. I know this seems like a big ‘duh’ but it took me months to realize this myself and I hope that my little blog could help someone like who months ago, thought she was alone. This blog won’t always be about mood disorders, depression, or ADHD, more along the line of how  I think differently about things in this world, art, music, theater, love, hardship, life, everything.

So, here’s to a new year, a new blog, and new perspectives!

A.dymn’s I.nner M.aelstrom, a reflection on the death of a good friend.

A.dymn’s I.nner M.aelstrom

                I stared at myself in the dusty full length mirror. I was running late as usual. I twisted and turned my body to make sure I looked at least normal. It was sophomore year, October, and as far as I could tell it was going to be a long, dreadful year. I was wearing blue jeans and a sweater that I never liked, but it was freezing and gray out so I just threw it on. I sighed, “Guess this is as good as it’s going to get.” I grabbed my backpack and walked down to the end of my street to wait for the bright yellow school bus that brought those without cars to the high school. Walking down the hill, my stomach hurt and I didn’t feel very well. “Great,” I thought. “Now I’m getting sick, this is going to be a wonderful day.”

I continued downward and thought about how much I hated the sweater and how frizzy my hair must be. The stupid yellow bus pulled up and I walked on. My best friend at the time, Jess was sitting in our usual spot, two seats before the back. Something was up, I could tell from her face; the scrunched down eyebrows, the small upside down U, the watery eyes. I swung my bag off my shoulders and plopped down next to her. “What’s up?” I asked. “Did you watch the news this morning?”She asked. I remembered Mom was and she told me someone was hurt from school, but didn’t know who or any details. I was so focused about getting to the bus stop on time I didn’t think too much upon it. “My Mom was this morning. She said someone at school got hurt,” I replied. “Well, um… someone shot themselves on the school steps last night and well, um… they think it was Adymn.” I sat back on the puke green seat, shocked. “I just talked to him last night. She has to be wrong. I don’t believe it.”

 Adymn and I were friends off and on throughout our school years together. We didn’t have in-depth conversations with each other, but we talked daily and helped each other out from time to time. In fourth grade during recess he was playing football and he must have gotten upset about a play or losing, but he ran all the way to his grandma’s house which was just past the small baseball field. I remember watching him run, his legs making him fly, his arms swinging in perfect form. From then on during gym class when we had to run around to the “far yellow pole” in the baseball field, he would be the first out and the first back, he was incredible. He was a cute kid, he had blue eyes, brown/blondish hair, and big ears, which I thought fit him well. He was maybe a little small for his age, but still taller than me. He played football, but didn’t play in high school. He loved it though. I guess he just didn’t have enough skill to make varsity or didn’t want to ruin the plain fun he had when he played pickup games during recess. When high school started he was having a lot of trouble with the work and started to give up. He just stopped passing in homework. We had a few classes together, but not sophomore year. I didn’t see him as often, so we chatted at night on AIM and we sat together at lunch. I used to sit across from him and he would wiggle his ears to make me laugh. I can picture it now, his baby blue eyes crossed, tongue out and ears wiggling. He always knew how to make people laugh.

As the bus pulled up to school, there were cameras and reporters everywhere. We were all herded into the auditorium. I sat in the back with my group of friends. I was still really shocked. “Hey Abby, what exactly is going on?” I asked quietly. “It’s Adymn; he shot himself in front of school last night,” She replied to the whole group. I didn’t speak; I just sat feeling numb waiting for instructions from the teachers. We all sat there, the whole school, chatting, very loudly. No one told us about anything except, ‘go to your first class’. So, I trudged up the stairs, listening to the other students talk about Adymn. Some were intensely angry, upset, or had blank emotions. I got to the second floor, I sat in my usual seat and we were silent. No one took anything out of their bags, no one moved, we just sat in silence. Our teacher, Mrs. Galvin stood at the front of the classroom, waiting in silence. She spoke. “Listen guys, we don’t have to do anything today. We can talk about what happened or I can find a movie to watch. Does anyone want to talk? I took out my journal and wrote: “Adymn killed himself last night. I’m here in English crying, not even trying to function. Our teacher is being really understanding and letting us talk and do whatever helps. I want to go home. I’m seriously thinking of calling M to take me home. I need her. I just don’t know what to do. Stillness, until we hear Cait start to cry and say, “I can’t believe it, I can’t believe he would do this.” This got me crying. I wiped my nose on my ugly sweater and put my head on the desk.  “Cait and Keri how would you girls like to go to the library and find a movie for us to watch?” asked Mrs. Galvin. We both nodded and stood up. Mrs. Galvin went to her desk and filled out a pass. We left and proceeded down to the library. We didn’t talk much, a few sniffles here and there, a little small talk. When we got to the library, the librarian didn’t have any movies for us and she didn’t seem to get what was going on. We went back to the classroom and then the principal came on the loudspeaker explaining what had happened, which got Cait and I crying again. Cait asked if she could go to the office and asked to go home. Mrs. Galvin gave her a pass and I asked to go too. I felt bad for leaving my classmates there, stuck in silence, but I needed to get out.

Down in the office Cait and I weren’t the only ones who were calling their parents to go home. I dialed M’s number. “M.” I said sobbing into the phone, “can you please come get me. I can’t handle it.” “I’ll be right there,” She replied. I sat in a red cushy office chair next to the sweet secretary Carlie. She let us call her that. She was like everyone’s grandma. We talked a little and she comforted me. I stuffed the tissue she had given me deeper into my hand.  I thought about the last time I saw and actually talked to Adymn. I was getting ready for an away soccer game, sitting on the curb waiting for the bus. “Hey, Keri.” I turned around and smiled. “Adymn, what’s up?” “Nothing, happy that school is over, well for the today anyway,” He replied. “Ha-ha, yeah. Did you take Galvin’s quiz?” I asked. “Yeah, she’s so tough, but then again I didn’t read the book.” He said. “You know you’re so smarter than that!” I said, pretending to be mad. “Yeah, yeah. So soccer tonight?” “Yes, unfortunately. I have so much homework. What are you doing tonight?’ I asked. “Playing some pick up football and then I don’t know. I might hang out with Amber.” He replied. “Cools, well I have to run. Talk to you tomorrow,” I said. “Ok, laters.” Amber was his girlfriend and they were a really cute couple, but now that I looked back on it, it wasn’t as magical as everyone thought.

“Keri.” I looked up. M! I rushed into her arms, never wanting her to let go. “It is ok; everything’s going to be ok.” She said comforting me. I noticed then that she was wearing pajamas! My hands shook as I gathered my things and filled out the dismissal slip. We walked out of the school her arm around my shoulders, leading me toward her car. Inside I see little Ann, still in her pajamas as well, looking very happy. She was so excited to see me and my school. She was kicking her legs and chatting nonstop. When we got home M made me stay with her. She made me hot coco and let me lay down on her couch. I felt safe and comforted. As I sipped my hot coco, I thought about the last AIM that Adymn sent me. We were chatting about the usual things, school, homework, and activities. Then, we talked about who we liked, but mostly me because he had Amber.

“Do you know if anyone likes me?” I typed.

“Yea, actually,” He replied.

“Who?!”

“I’m not going to tell you,” He teased.

“Oh, come on! You have to tell me!”

“Na.”

“Give me a hint. Please?”

“Alright. You’ve known this person for a while. Plays football and his number is 51.

He signed off right after he said that and I smiled. He played football and his lucky number is 51. I still have that AIM conversation saved on my computer. That night Amber broke up with him and he decided to end his life in front of our school steps. Maybe that was the last straw, maybe he went to school because school made him feel stupid. Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like right now if he wasn’t gone. When he died I didn’t really understand the reasons why he did what he did or why God would let something like that happen. Is there a reason for everything that goes on? Perhaps, but for a long time I just plain said no. There is no reason for young deaths to happen, but now that I’ve experienced life more I realize that sometimes there is and sometimes there isn’t a reason. Maybe it was to teach us a lesson, to watch our friends more, make sure they are ok and if not try to get them help. It wasn’t as if Adymn was psycho, no. He was charming, intelligent, and hilarious. Something inside him just snapped. I wish he was still here. I wish I could talk to him one more time. Our lives could possibly be completely different, but at least he would be alive. I can remember my friend Lauren who was even better friends with him. She walked with him to school every day both ways for all of elementary and middle school. I remember her just breaking down and spilling out all these emotions and I couldn’t do anything. Just silence. Silent crying, silent everything. I changed a little. I had a rough time of it after the whole thing. I got into something’s I never want to revisit and feelings I never want to feel again, but probably will. I guess Adymn’s death reminds me to be strong and talk to people when I feel bad or unhappy. Not to do anything to hurt myself, nothing drastic. I wish I didn’t have to lose him for that lesson. I remember getting so mad at God, too. I didn’t speak to Him for a while. I felt like I couldn’t pray, what was the point? But that comes with death and the whole cycle of things. I slowly began to become myself again and I began to appreciate my friends, family, teachers a lot more for their daily support and love. If Adymn was still here, he would be begging me to get off my bum and go play touch football.

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My Testimony (recently updated)

 Before going to Gordon, I used to believe that all you needed to be a Christian was to go to church and be really involved, but now I know that there is a deeper more meaningful connection in your heart that God wants you to have with Him. It has been four years since I first came to Gordon as a full time freshman student and I thought I was ready to conquer the world.  I felt prepared for this new learning environment. Man, was I wrong! I was raised in a great community. I went to a Catholic church from the time I was 5 until about age 13.  My dad’s side of the family is Catholic and my mom’s Protestant. Neither of them went to church, but my Grandma, my Dad’s mom, wanted me to have my first communion and learn about the church. So, I went to Sunday school, which was on Monday nights and we went to Mass on Sunday. The church was large and I didn’t get to know many people. In Sunday school, I saw kids from my classes at school and I enjoyed going and learning about the importance of why this and that happens in a service and the sacraments. When I was 12 my mother’s mom took me to her small protestant church and I just fell in love with it. It had only 85 people and they welcomed me with open arms. So, I went to both Catholic “Monday” school and Protestant Sunday school. There wasn’t too big of a difference in my eyes, only that one community was small and wanted to know me.  So, I did both for two years. When I turned 13, my Sunday school at the protestant church was getting ready for confirmation. I always thought that I could do both Catholic school and Protestant school, but I knew that I had to make a decision. So, I chose the Protestant church. My parents were really supportive. They stopped going to church since I just went to Monday school. My Dad’s mom was a little confused, but as long as I was going to church it went over fine. My little church is the best family a girl could ask for. I have sung in the choir, taught Sunday school, helped out at numerous events, name it, I did it.  This church helped shape who I am today, gave me plenty of leadership opportunities and has supported many of my choices, especially my choice to go to Gordon. Although, some parts of my family weren’t so happy. When I was accepted they were like “You want to go there? Just make sure they don’t brainwash you and watch out for the born-agains who will ask you if you’ve been saved.” Don’t get me wrong I love my whole family, but this was crazy. I brushed off what they said and knew Gordon wasn’t really like that. Yes, there are people who are really intense about it, and others whose parent’s made them come, but there is a large in the middle where people are down to earth, listen, and respect your views and beliefs.

         So, here I was on the first day of moving in, the van packed to its full capacity and me standing there looking over campus on the Hill thinking, yes I am finally here. About two weeks after classes started, I was so lost and confused, not about where my classes were, but I felt like I didn’t belong here. Everyone seemed like a “better” Christian than I was. At Gordon, people prayed in so many different ways I wasn’t used to and a lot of them had been talking about when they were “saved by Christ.” I had no idea what that meant, I had heard some family members warning me about it but I had no clue what it meant. During my Old Testament class, we were learning how people prayed to God and some prayed to Jesus. I was so lost.  I went up the Professor, he was a pretty cool guy and seemed trust worthy enough for me to ask this could be dangerous question. I said that I usually say God, instead of Christ when I prayed. I didn’t really understand the whole: “I was saved by Christ” thing. He tried to explain it to me and then he asked me if I was a Christian. At this point, I had no idea. I was so overwhelmed by everything I wasn’t so sure anymore. I was scared, worried and confused, so I just said maybe. Had all my years of Sunday school and being with my church family even mattered? I was so upset, so I asked the one person who might know the answer, the one person who could understand, my RA Alden. She was the coolest person in the world to me and I knew I could trust her with asking these tough questions. She understood what I was going though and told me that sometimes especially at first it gets overwhelming here, at Gordon with the God stuff. She told me not to compare myself spiritually with other people, and there were no magic words. I felt a lot better and at least back to normal, but I still had this odd feeling, so I investigated further. I got books on faith out of the library, asked my roommate all these questions about why being “saved” is necessary/important. Some books were rather frightening saying that if I didn’t I would not be allowed into Heaven. Others didn’t really mention it at all. It wasn’t until my third month at Gordon, that someone answered my questions in a way I could finally understand.

Alden’s roommate Jessica and I were hanging out with the Basement Boys (they were called that because they were freshman and all lived in the basement) together on the weekends and we formed a bond over the discussions of boys we liked or movies we watched. She invited me to the church she goes to called; Calvary Baptist and I went with her throughout my Gordon career. One night Alden was at a sleepover, so Jessica invited me to stay with her since we had to get up for church anyways. We began talking about our so-called love lives of middle school and high school. I felt comfortable talking to her; she wasn’t judgmental and she was genuinely listening to what I had to say. The subject of God and faith came up. I told her all about how I was confused and freaking out about the whole “saved” thing. She thought for a second and then explained to me: “‘saved’ means that you let Jesus into your heart. He gave us the gift of salvation by dying on the cross. God wants us to be saved. He wants us to have a personal relationship with Him. It’s a personal decision to live the life Jesus’ wants us to live, to trust in Him, and do what is good in His eyes.” “That’s what is making me worried,” I said. “I don’t know if I can live the life the way Jesus wants when I go home for breaks and summer. I think that if I’m not at Gordon, I would not be able to be as good as Jesus wants me to be.” I was nervous because my home friends like to get together and drink. Not a big party or anything, just the four of us girls, having a sleepover. I was worried that if I did this over the summer or on breaks I would be hurting God. Jessica said not to worry. Just be smart and if you feel uncomfortable then you shouldn’t do it, but if you do make mistakes, and you will, God is a forgiving god and if you ask for help and forgiveness, then you will be ok. Not all the time, of course, like if you’re getting drunk all the time, but be reasonable and think before you do anything, “What would God say?” She also said, “If your friends make you do something that you don’t want to do and do not understand when you say, “God wouldn’t like it” then you need new friends.” I was quiet for a good solid 10 minutes.  Billions of thoughts were going through my head. She turned and gave me a cuddle, “What are you thinking?” She asked. “I’m not sure. Everything.” I said. “You know. She said. You don’t have to stand in front of a whole church to be saved, you can pray it by yourself, or we can do it together.”  I thought about it for another five minutes. I knew deep in my heart I was ready and even though I was worried about messing up in God’s eyes, He knows everything about me already, He knows what I fear and He understands. “Ok, I think I’m ready, but can we do it together?” I asked.  “Sure.” So, at midnight on November 11, 2007, I snuggled up close to her, she wrapped her arms around me in a sisterly way and we prayed. I know many people from my CCC class (its like a freshman seminar) would not believe that I felt something when I was praying. They don’t like it when I say something about “the feeling.” But I did feel something. I was nervous, but happy. My heart felt light and relieved. It was as if my heart knew all along and waited for a long time to have Jesus come in. After that night I didn’t drastically change or anything, but I felt different. I finally understood why God wanted me to come to Gordon and why He places certain people in your life. I still make mistakes and mess up sometimes, but having that deeper connection with God I know that I can get through anything.

I wrote the above part of my testimony 4 years ago and reading it now, makes me want to cry at the basic faith I had back then. Unfortunately, during my senior year I went off the deep end and rebelled. I started smoking and staying out late, skipped class, slept all day, and stayed up all night. I stopped going to chapel and barely went to church. I graduated that May with a heart of hurt and stone. That summer I continued smoking and it was slowly starting to make me sick. I stopped talking to God or going to church. I felt like my protestant church beliefs were so different from mine now. Who was right? Did it matter? In August, I decided to try to find a new church. I remembered a young guy named Andy came to one of my youth ministry classes and talked about Hope. When I asked where the church was and he said Newburyport, I was really surprised. A Gordon-like church, near home?! So, I stopped in and got involved right away. I met Andy and became a leader with the youth group, I got to lead 6th grade. The first day I was really scared. I wasn’t that much older than they were and who knows if I would be accepted. I wandered around saying hi and watching people play ping-pong; I wandered into the Loft where I saw a group of girls’ loudly giggly playing foosball. I joined in and from there it was all God. I had wandered into a group of girls called the Chain gang. I don’t know why they call themselves that but they are amazing fun loving young women and being friends with them has reminded me of that need to just be a kid some times but still be older to help, mentor, and be there for them. The next week was my birthday. I didn’t tell anyone but Facebook did. Those lovely girls brought me cupcakes, balloons, and this 2 by 4 piece of wood that said, “Happy Birthday Keri! We love you!” With all their names on the back of it. I was so surprised! No one has ever done anything that nice for me and have only known me a week. Another week I joined Nancy’s bible study. Nancy was one of the girl’s moms, but all the girls call her Mama Snyder. The group of ladies is so wonderful and even though I am young I still learn an awful lot from them.

Things were looking up but I had not stopped my smoking habits and because of my depression and anxiety it only got worse. Soon, the kids could tell something was off and before I knew it I was breaking down. Andy talked to me and said that I needed to get fed too and that how could I pour into my girls and kids when my cup was so dry and empty. I cried hard. This was it; youth group was all I had, my last thing. I knew Andy was right and I knew I had to step down to take a break, but it still hurt and I was worried about my kids. I thank God that they understood I needed to take a break and that they still love me. Nancy and I decided to do a class together and we needed a mentor so we decided to be each other’s. Mama Snyder has been such a blessing and has helped me realize that God stills loves me and always has but it is my choice to want to live the life that He wants for me. It has not been easy, especially when my anxiety and depression is really high. Since I have turned my back on Him, have been through the ringer and back, I would like to recommit my life to Christ tonight. You ladies have shown me strength, love, and hope in the ways you pray for one another, call, check in, keep tabs on each other, and even though you’ve gone through the ringer many times you still hang on to God, you still make an effort to share, pray, and come to church. I admire that. I am ready to get back on the road with you all tonight. I want to walk the way Jesus did and I want my life to be so that when someone notices they see Christ instead of me.

I am happy to report that I’ve quit smoking and on the road to recovery and sobriety even though it’s hard some days I get strength from God’s word and reassurance from other believers. There is more to my life story than just this little glimpse and more struggles that may be more relevant to you so soon I hope to share more, but for now I wanted to share this and thank you all for your part in me coming back to the Lord.

Blessings and love in Christ,

Kp

Keri-Jean Pennell                                         March 28th, 2012

soft drowsy dewy love <3

Guys I feel all right and peaceful right now. For this brief period of time chilling in the library studying, I feel normal, right, and well, happy. Not “fake” happiness when I finally get out of work or when I see people at work who I enjoy, it is the kind of happiness and warmth, like chicken noodle soup, hot cocoa with a peppermint stick as a spoon, that good fire smelling blanket soft drowsy dewy love warmth. I am not anxious or freaking out about next week, work, past, or future,Image

I am just PRESENT, in this moment of glorious lightness and warmth. I never want this to end…

 

Class of 2011!

Well, I did it! I graduated! After months of downplaying it and struggling through the semester I, along with about 383 students graduated the class of 2011!  I can tell you I’ve been dreading it as I was dreading my high school grad. Its not that I’m not excited or feel accomplished but it means its time to leave the community. I thrive on community especially with church. Living in a community like Gordon’s for 4 years was a crazy, wonderful, stressful, and intense time, but I love it and I miss it everyday. Now I’m home, its summer, and I’m doing the same thing I’ve done for the past 3. Lifeguarding, teaching swimming, and babysitting. Now, nothing is wrong with that and although I do get burnt out by August, I really do enjoy teaching kids, but this summer is different. I won’t be returning to school in late August, packing up and moving into a new room. No more registering for classes, well except for that one more…grrr! I have to find a real world full time job for fall and the pressure is on.

My parents are freaking out which freaks me out. Even though they graciously allowed me two free weeks of vacation right after graduation, I still get hounded every day on what I did to get a job. It stinks. They think I’m just sitting on my bum all day, when actually I really am applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and trying to get myself organized and used to living back home! I know they are just trying to be good parents, push me, and they are worried about it too, but can we have a day where I don’t get woken up with, “Don’t forget to apply! Be good!” Or when they get home, “What did u do all day? Did you do this, this, and this?” Even if I had cleaned the whole house and organized the towel closet! Ok, enough about that. It’s just frustrating.

One good thing about summer is reading whatever you want! I rode my bike (no car privileges yet any ideas how to convince the rents???) to the library and got out a ton of books! I love reading and escaping into a different world, someone else’s problems, and just rest. Now that the pool is open I can float around, but I only do this in the middle of the day cause if I get caught being “lazy” I’d be really in for it. Ugh.

Haven’t really done much with God lately and I am getting that “feeling” again. I miss church at Calvary, I really do and it is really not fair how far away it is. I guess I need to make more of an effort to get transportation up there. I wish I had my car; there was so much I was going to do there. Softball, bible study, visiting Karl and Roberta, and seeing the Pastor’s new baby girl! Now I have to wait, but I should try to at least get a devo going and go to church close to home. I might check out Hope Community because I can bike there and they have similar music to Calvary. Gosh I miss Calvary so much!

Health wise I guess I doing ok. Stable anyways. I still get sad in the afternoons, but I usually plan something low key like reading or TV time to relax. It’s probably because it means soon that the rentals will be back home. I want to start running and using one of those tracker things online that does the programs and shows progress. I want to try to run the trick or treat trots and actually do a decent job. Someday I want to run the Yankee Homecoming Marathon! I would like to lose a little weight since I haven’t really worked out since January or the last time I swam. Eating pretty well though, just need to get on that exercise.

  I miss my Gordon friends and church peeps a lot. I realized that I don’t have a lot of friends around here. I mean I have a couple but it’s different. Sometimes I need a god-talk or just a hang out coffee time. I miss my floor, my girls. They were awesome! I always smiled and laughed when they were around. I miss their noises they make in the halls before bed and in the morning. It’s strange not to hear it. I miss the late nights to Lane to stock up on junk food and ice cream, to settle in and watch a movie. I miss helping them with things. I miss their little notes of encouragement and their overall love.

Well, I should go….need to get on this job thing!!!!

Love and blessings,

Kp

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Prayer requests:

  • For a full-time job starting in the fall
  • Help for getting along with my parents
  • Getting my car privileges back
  • Relationship with God


Summer Goals:

  1. Go to church
  2. Be on time
  3. Find a full time job
  4. Make new friends
  5. Grow with God

“Christmas Spirit”

Today is Christmas Eve and usually this day is a great day of waiting and being patient for the coming day, Christmas! This year though and I’ve noticed as I have gotten older that the “Christmas Spirit” keeps fading from me. 2010 was a rough year of crazy lessons, growing up, and learning how to be independent, as is every year, but to me this year was full of them! At the moment both my parents are upset and disappointed in me for a few things I did this year especially the most recent incidents. So, instead of even having a party today, I am doing errands or stuck in the house. I have no freedom. I’m 22. About to graduate from Gordon and yet I feel pressured and stuck.

To be honest, I feel left behind.  First though I do know not to compare myself to others, but it is still something I struggle with, so bear with me here. Most of the good friends I’ve made at Gordon have already graduated, are abroad or are going abroad. I feel lonely at school sometimes. I love my floor though; they are what really get me through the days and weeks. So, I do have some people around, but I just miss my “core” group that would just randomly do fun things a lot. Many are bound for great things, amazing, and Godly things. Seeing the joy God brings them and how they live out their lives is something I would love to have and be. I am so proud of them, but how come I can’t find that joy in a new future and new plan? Mostly because I am anxious and worried and I don’t really have a plan, but Gods. I used to be able to find simple joy, but now I feel like my heart is of stone. I’ve been doing things out of character and it is making me feel horrible and not myself. I don’t know what it is.

God life and my soul are feeling pretty blackened and yucky. I haven’t been doing anything to really fix it either so that’s my bad, but I did start reading a Christian book about dealing with anxiety. My Scotland Mum got it for me before I left. It’s a really good book and has already helped me in a few chapters. Another confession I haven’t been to church in a while, last week I was just in the pageant, but I got really lazy and finals came, bad excuses but that’s what I told myself. I should have gone more; I think it would have helped me sooner. So, as you can see this Christmas Eve, Kp, has a lot of soul work and God relationships to work on. I am trying hard to keep my attitude positive although that is a challenge with my parents. Maybe a little Christmas music, a quiet walk, and the candle light service tonight will help me get into the mood and spirit of Christmas. I mean it is Jesus’ birthday after all and since He came to save me, I should at least try to be positive and show good tidings to those around me. No matter what is going on, this day isn’t about anything but HIM! I think it’s a reminder we all need.

It hasn’t been all bad! Here are some funny pictures from Christmas break so far!