I know I have spoken of this topic before but this is really on my heart once again. I am an addict of smoking fake pot. I know it’s like, what is that? Google it and you will find more info. It will scare you, esp. if you have youth in your life. But that’s not the whole focus on what I’m writing about today. I’m writing about what I said yes to. I’ve been involved in this amazing bible study through Proverbs 31 ministries online. It has been an amazing, yet struggling, but still awesome time! At first I thought it might not fit well with me because how can I really connect through a screen? But God changed me and worked many tough things with me through this. I encourage anyone to sign up for the next study on Oct. 13. Check out the site here:
So, what exactly have I said yes to during this study? I have been writing and journaling more and more, which has helped me stay connected to God and helps me figure out my moods. I have a mood disorder that gets out of whack esp. during that time of the month, so by journaling about what’s going on, how I am feeling, what God is doing, helps me to share with my doctor to track the areas that flare up my moods. It is so helpful because we can see where I tend to lash out or want to smoke. It helps with balancing my medication. I said yes to daily journaling.
I have also decided to recommit my life to Christ and try hard to keep in communication with Him, to stay strong and not give into temptations and to be obedient where and when He asks me to. My life is just better when I am one with God, its not all flowers and rainbows but the attacks and my reaction to those are through the eyes of Christ and all He has done for me. He has brought me through many dark times esp. during my deep darkest pits of addiction. I recently spoke as a guest preacher at my church and gave a powerful testimony as well as what I learned from this study. Here is an excerpt from it and I used resources from What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, Ch. 6 If It Were Easy, It Wouldn’t Be Worth Doing:
My toughest times were when I was struggling with depression, anxiety and addiction, during my last couple years at Gordon and post-graduation. I continued to pray to God to ask for His help and guidance to get me through this dark time. I felt like there was no light inside me to shine out any more. I was a failure and loser, a person unworthy. These were lies of course, lies that the world fills into our heads when things are not going according to plan. I continued to struggle through those dark times for 2.5 years. “I was tempted to get pulled into the world’s lies that God has not answered my prayer, that He wasn’t trustworthy. However, the truth is that God is faithful and true, and His Word promises us, “He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but listened to his cry for help” (Psalm 22:24) What do you do when you feel as though God isn’t hearing your cries for help? Or that he is saying no?” (Ch. 6, pg. 95-96). I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm room, begging God to free me from all this darkness. I was spent, tired of watching all my friends succeed and do marvelous things for the Lord, while I could barely get myself up for class. I was disappointed and confused. I prayed that if God would let this darkness leave that I would do anything, anything! But I still continued to struggle, to go through the mud, to watch while others celebrated, while I was still in the shadows. Flash forward another year and this time I’m in my room at home. I had to leave a job I enjoyed, crashed my car, and was in the pits of my addiction. I asked God the very same thing as before: “God let me be of this, let me move on with my life, please!” This time I heard an answer, “Stay strong, I have wonderful plans to use you in this, keep going, don’t lose hope.” It hasn’t been easy, but I am finally coming into the light, but I still have days where the shadows like to lurk and God has had to remind me several times that “He has it and is going to use me in this” (ch. 6 pg. 94-95).
Thank you Proverbs 31 ministries, the leaders, and all the ladies across the world that have come along side me on this journey. If you haven’t checked it out yet, please go to Proverbs31 there are amazing people and resources that are open to all.
Until next time!