Tag Archives: proverbs31

#movingforward

I love how open we are this week; I think it’s a start of God showing us we are not alone. My story is one of addiction/family abuse/trying to be perfect. I tried to be perfect my whole life. I am an only child, with two hard working parents. I always wanted the kind of life where my mom would be waiting for me at the end of a school day, with a snack on the counter, asking me how my day was. It was never like that. I had to go with my Gram, who took me to my Aunt’s house. It was a horrible place. Filled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, and lots of dog hair. I had to spend almost every afternoon and summers there. It was awful. I didn’t find out til later that my mom never knew that’s where we went, my Gram would tell her we went to the playground… witnessing the pain my cousin had to endure at 4 years old, I tried to rescue her. I begged my mom to adopt her, to have clean sheets on her bed, her own bedroom, things I had. The good thing that came out of this was that it made me feel grateful, it made me have a heart for others, and thankful for the life I had.

In high school I worked hard to be the best, I loved my teachers and I wanted them to love me. They were my ‘sisters and mothers’, people who believed in me. I didn’t work hard for myself I worked hard for them. Most of my teachers were young and I wanted to show them they were good even great teachers. I knew that teachers got their own daily abuse by mean students, so I tried extra hard to show/prove that not all of us were like that.

       God had been with me my whole life. I had been going to Catholic Sunday school, had my first communion and a few Masses, but my parents didn’t go much. I loved it because it was like school having kids my own age to hang with. I tried hard to be good and follow God. When I was 12 my Gram, the same one who brought me to my cousin’s brought me to her church along with my cousin who was now 8. I loved that little congregational church. We were small but we were mighty and they became my family. I still went to Catholic CCD (Sunday school that was on Wednesday) and the congregational church on Sundays. I did both until I was 14 and decided I wanted to be confirmed in the congregational church. It was a tough decision for a young teen, but my family was fine with it and I was happy. Around this time I struggled with weight and body image, I started playing around with anorexia, but my schedule was so busy and filled with love, I hardly took it to a point of extreme until my sophomore year of high school. A boy in my math class was being disruptive so I told him to shut up and then he called me fat. I was so upset, my teacher held me that’s how upset and shaking I was. The boy got in trouble, but I recently found out, he was struggling with his parent’s horrible divorce. I hope at our high school reunion I can tell him how sorry I am and that I forgive him. It taught me that we are all hurting. I began fasting a lot for the rest of high school, being a dancer it only made it worse. It never got to the point of hospitalization but my parents were starting to worry.

       Senior year came and I was accepted to my top college, which was one close to home and Christian. I didn’t think how challenging it would be. I didn’t have the SAT scores or grades to get in, but I did. God wanted me to. The first two years were amazing and awesome! I was in my element, for once I was popular and had a strong fellowship of older girls who taught me what Christ’s love and grace was. I accepted Christ at midnight on 11/11/07. A day I’ll never forget. After two years though, I was burnt out. I was tying to become an elementary school teacher and I was already teaching in the classroom, waking early to go to school, on the swim team and trying to balance a workload that was the max you had to take to get all your courses in to graduate within four years. I crashed hard, I found weed as an escape from depression, feeling worthless, and anxious all the time. Soon, weed was changed to the synthetic kind that I could buy at a smoke shop. I was addicted by then. I had to quit swimming and I barely graduated. I changed my major and graduated with no job in sight. My addiction grew worse. I lost a job I enjoyed, crashed two cars, overdrew my account, stole from my parents, work, coworkers, I got arrested because I was driving while high on the fake weed also called spice. How did I go from a little girl who loved everyone and God, to a burnt out druggie who just didn’t care anymore. Where was God in this? There were moments of clarity where I begged God to take this darkness away, to help me get better, to be the girl I once was. He didn’t, I was angry and I would slip right back where I was. My parents were disappointed, my church didn’t know what to do with me, and I just wanted to die. I went to rehab for a week and it was believe it or not, great! It was almost the same feeling of being loved by teachers again. I was happy, I was in a space where I couldn’t use, I couldn’t go to the store and buy it, I was happy in the safe little place that felt like college in a strange way. We went to classes; I met people young and old who struggled with similar things. I met this older lady, who looked like my Grammy, so I took a liking to her. She was so awesome, but soon she got sick really sick and I couldn’t even say goodbye when she had to go home to the hospital. She came out all right, but some of the things I saw there scared me straight. It was easy for me to be successful because I wanted to please my nurses and the staff. My favorite nurse was Mama Jane. She was just young and had twins. I took a liking to her. When I would panic at night about having to go home, scared how easy it was for me just to go buy the stuff, she would listen even when there were many others who needed her too. She took time with me. I wanted to make her proud. The friends I made there were hurting, but I like to think my little kid jokes, skips down the hall, and just being a light, helped them that week. God wanted me there, to be with the hurting, to learn from others, to learn that the darkness could get darker without Him. I came back and was clean for a while until I picked up again. It wasn’t until recently about a month ago, during the “When Women Say Yes to God” online study when I realized, “What am I doing? Why am I wasting my time with this?” I had worked my butt off this summer to earn full time at my job, which I love and my God gave it to me. I treasure it, I still work hard even though I have tough days, and I know that this job is a gift, a part in saving me. Ataan, my lovie, is another gift that was given to me by my precious God. He is a remarkable man who is seeking after God and loves me all of me even when I get moody. We found a church we love and began a study there. I also recently joined the bell choir for the advent season. God is good. He is bringing the light back into my life. I have tough days, sometimes I still want to smoke, but it reminds me that I need to add more quiet time, journaling, and prayer. Talking with God, reading His Word, and sticking through it even when I don’t feel like it or don’t think I feel God, helps.

I pray that my story will help others and I am getting ready for God to send me into the field to harvest, but for today, I’m filling up my cup.

Love to my P31 OBS ladies, having your support and sharing your stories helps me too.

May we be and bring the lights to those stuck in the darkness.

Kp

Been There, Done That, Loved It!

I’m about to begin another Proverbs31 Online Bible Study and to get us in the mode, they encouraged us to write a blog post about either a previous study and a couple other options, I chose the previous study one because i was so motivated and just loved it so much! 

Question: Have you participated in one of our previous studies? If yes, which one? What did you learn or what was your favorite moment?

 I have participated in the “What Happens When Woman Say YES! To God” It was amazing! I needed a study as my church was in summer mode and takes a break from formal studies. It came at the perfect time because I was coming out of a dark season in my life and I needed new encouragement and regain some of the yes! attitude I had lost during that season. I learned a lot about how that having daily time with God to just listen to Him has benefited my life enormously! It has helped me deal with stress, emotions, and helped me work being with my students and coworkers.

            In the study we talked about a fresh vision. Taking pause in daily life to really focus on where we are going and making sure God is in it. I took this seriously and noticed that my prayer life was lacking. The way I like to pray is by writing in a journal and I realized I haven’t done that in over a year, so I got creative and made my own journal. I committed to writing in it weekly. It really has helped and looking back at the prayers I’ve prayed and seeing the outcome, it is super encouraging and keeping in communion with God strengthens our relationship and my life. Speaking of prayer and quiet time, we learned to find white space in our homes or wherever to escape from the world to really talk and be with God. My white space is my bike, riding to and from work. I am more intentional with my time on the rides, speaking to God, listening to Christian music, or just being quiet, listening. It was a good place for me to be intentional rather than my room or bed, when distractions are too easily distracting me.

            M favorite moment was when I recommitted my life to Christ and laid everything down at His feet. Being encouraged throughout the study to try hard to keep in communication with Him, to stay strong and not give into temptations and to be obedient where and when He asks me to. My life is just better when I am one with God, its not all flowers and rainbows but the attacks and my reaction to those are through the eyes of Christ and all He has done for me. He has brought me through many dark times esp. during my deep darkest pits of addiction. I am so thankful for the leaders and all who make online studies possible. It’s a great community and lots of love!

If you’re thinking about signing up, do it! You won’t regret it! Starts Oct. 13!

 http://proverbs31.org/online-bible-studies/new-to-online-bible-study/.

Saying Yes to God

#Isaidyes

I know I have spoken of this topic before but this is really on my heart once again. I am an addict of smoking fake pot. I know it’s like, what is that?  Google it and you will find more info. It will scare you, esp. if you have youth in your life. But that’s not  the whole focus on what I’m writing about today. I’m writing about what I said yes to. I’ve been involved in this amazing bible study through Proverbs 31 ministries online. It has been an amazing, yet struggling, but still awesome time! At first I thought it might not fit well with me because how can I really connect through a screen? But God changed me and worked many tough things with me through this. I encourage anyone to sign up for the next study on Oct. 13. Check out the site here:

 

 http://proverbs31.org/online-bible-studies/new-to-online-bible-study/.

 

So, what exactly have I said yes to during this study? I have been writing and journaling more and more, which has helped me stay connected to God and helps me figure out my moods. I have a mood disorder that gets out of whack esp. during that time of the month, so by journaling about what’s going on, how I am feeling, what God is doing, helps me to share with my doctor to track the areas that flare up my moods. It is so helpful because we can see where I tend to lash out or want to smoke. It helps with balancing my medication. I said yes to daily journaling.

       I have also decided to recommit my life to Christ and try hard to keep in communication with Him, to stay strong and not give into temptations and to be obedient where and when He asks me to. My life is just better when I am one with God, its not all flowers and rainbows but the attacks and my reaction to those are through the eyes of Christ and all He has done for me. He has brought me through many dark times esp. during my deep darkest pits of addiction. I recently spoke as a guest preacher at my church and gave a powerful testimony as well as what I learned from this study. Here is an excerpt from it and I used resources from What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, Ch. 6 If It Were Easy, It Wouldn’t Be Worth Doing:

 My toughest times were when I was struggling with depression, anxiety and addiction, during my last couple years at Gordon and post-graduation. I continued to pray to God to ask for His help and guidance to get me through this dark time. I felt like there was no light inside me to shine out any more. I was a failure and loser, a person unworthy. These were lies of course, lies that the world fills into our heads when things are not going according to plan. I continued to struggle through those dark times for 2.5 years. “I was tempted to get pulled into the world’s lies that God has not answered my prayer, that He wasn’t trustworthy. However, the truth is that God is faithful and true, and His Word promises us, “He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but listened to his cry for help” (Psalm 22:24) What do you do when you feel as though God isn’t hearing your cries for help? Or that he is saying no?” (Ch. 6, pg. 95-96).  I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm room, begging God to free me from all this darkness. I was spent, tired of watching all my friends succeed and do marvelous things for the Lord, while I could barely get myself up for class. I was disappointed and confused. I prayed that if God would let this darkness leave that I would do anything, anything! But I still continued to struggle, to go through the mud, to watch while others celebrated, while I was still in the shadows. Flash forward another year and this time I’m in my room at home. I had to leave a job I enjoyed, crashed my car, and was in the pits of my addiction. I asked God the very same thing as before: “God let me be of this, let me move on with my life, please!” This time I heard an answer, “Stay strong, I have wonderful plans to use you in this, keep going, don’t lose hope.” It hasn’t been easy, but I am finally coming into the light, but I still have days where the shadows like to lurk and God has had to remind me several times that “He has it and is going to use me in this” (ch. 6 pg. 94-95).

 

Thank you Proverbs 31 ministries, the leaders, and all the ladies across the world that have come along side me on this journey. If you haven’t checked it out yet, please go to Proverbs31 there are amazing people and resources that are open to all.

Until next time!

 

Kp 

#freshvision

        We have been talking over at the online study at proverbs31 about how we sometimes need to take a pause in our walks of life to get a better vision and figure out where we are going and making sure God is with us and in it. This week was a little stressful and discouraging. My beloved Grammy had to get a pacemaker, which she came out well from the procedure, thank you God!  New full time hours at work, new students (and intense parents), and feeling low due to well, “women time”. I get really low, my anxiety and depression get blown up during that week every month and everyone else gets my wrath. I’ve been trying to work on it.

       Anyways, my fresh vision this week is to surrender to God all my worries, concerns, frustrations and praises. I tend to hold onto these things because I am ashamed that I don’t have it all together. No one really has it all together but I put up this veil that I do. I need to start really investing in my prayer life, so I decided to make a new journal and commit to start writing in it and writing my prayers in it as well. I like to pray that way. I think having a fresh new journal is like having a fresh start, a fresh vision. I pray that you use this fall season, as a kick off for a fresh start of living out the life God has for you.

 

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a future.” Jeremiah 29:1

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We were also encouraged to find white space. A place in your house or elsewhere, where we can be silent and listen to God, pray to Him and worship. I used to think this place was on my bed in my room, but I tend to fall asleep esp. this week as new hours and just general tiredness overcame me. I thought about all the places I could go, but none really stuck with me, then I realized that my bike is my place. I ride to work every day and night (yes its scary and I do have lights) But as I go to and from work, I talk to God, listen to Klove (a Christian radio station), or sometimes, esp. at night, I am just quiet. My bike is my white space place. I am going to be more intentional with my time and really use it as my God time. Plus it will help me calm my nerves as I get new students every day this week.            

ImageI encourage you to find that white space and spend some time with God today, He will help you find a fresh vision for your life!

 

Praying for you all.

Kp