soft drowsy dewy love <3

Guys I feel all right and peaceful right now. For this brief period of time chilling in the library studying, I feel normal, right, and well, happy. Not “fake” happiness when I finally get out of work or when I see people at work who I enjoy, it is the kind of happiness and warmth, like chicken noodle soup, hot cocoa with a peppermint stick as a spoon, that good fire smelling blanket soft drowsy dewy love warmth. I am not anxious or freaking out about next week, work, past, or future,

I am just PRESENT, in this moment of glorious lightness and warmth. I never want this to end…

 

Class of 2011!

Well, I did it! I graduated! After months of downplaying it and struggling through the semester I, along with about 383 students graduated the class of 2011!  I can tell you I’ve been dreading it as I was dreading my high school grad. Its not that I’m not excited or feel accomplished but it means its time to leave the community. I thrive on community especially with church. Living in a community like Gordon’s for 4 years was a crazy, wonderful, stressful, and intense time, but I love it and I miss it everyday. Now I’m home, its summer, and I’m doing the same thing I’ve done for the past 3. Lifeguarding, teaching swimming, and babysitting. Now, nothing is wrong with that and although I do get burnt out by August, I really do enjoy teaching kids, but this summer is different. I won’t be returning to school in late August, packing up and moving into a new room. No more registering for classes, well except for that one more…grrr! I have to find a real world full time job for fall and the pressure is on.

My parents are freaking out which freaks me out. Even though they graciously allowed me two free weeks of vacation right after graduation, I still get hounded every day on what I did to get a job. It stinks. They think I’m just sitting on my bum all day, when actually I really am applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and trying to get myself organized and used to living back home! I know they are just trying to be good parents, push me, and they are worried about it too, but can we have a day where I don’t get woken up with, “Don’t forget to apply! Be good!” Or when they get home, “What did u do all day? Did you do this, this, and this?” Even if I had cleaned the whole house and organized the towel closet! Ok, enough about that. It’s just frustrating.

One good thing about summer is reading whatever you want! I rode my bike (no car privileges yet any ideas how to convince the rents???) to the library and got out a ton of books! I love reading and escaping into a different world, someone else’s problems, and just rest. Now that the pool is open I can float around, but I only do this in the middle of the day cause if I get caught being “lazy” I’d be really in for it. Ugh.

Haven’t really done much with God lately and I am getting that “feeling” again. I miss church at Calvary, I really do and it is really not fair how far away it is. I guess I need to make more of an effort to get transportation up there. I wish I had my car; there was so much I was going to do there. Softball, bible study, visiting Karl and Roberta, and seeing the Pastor’s new baby girl! Now I have to wait, but I should try to at least get a devo going and go to church close to home. I might check out Hope Community because I can bike there and they have similar music to Calvary. Gosh I miss Calvary so much!

Health wise I guess I doing ok. Stable anyways. I still get sad in the afternoons, but I usually plan something low key like reading or TV time to relax. It’s probably because it means soon that the rentals will be back home. I want to start running and using one of those tracker things online that does the programs and shows progress. I want to try to run the trick or treat trots and actually do a decent job. Someday I want to run the Yankee Homecoming Marathon! I would like to lose a little weight since I haven’t really worked out since January or the last time I swam. Eating pretty well though, just need to get on that exercise.

  I miss my Gordon friends and church peeps a lot. I realized that I don’t have a lot of friends around here. I mean I have a couple but it’s different. Sometimes I need a god-talk or just a hang out coffee time. I miss my floor, my girls. They were awesome! I always smiled and laughed when they were around. I miss their noises they make in the halls before bed and in the morning. It’s strange not to hear it. I miss the late nights to Lane to stock up on junk food and ice cream, to settle in and watch a movie. I miss helping them with things. I miss their little notes of encouragement and their overall love.

Well, I should go….need to get on this job thing!!!!

Love and blessings,

Kp

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Prayer requests:

• For a full-time job starting in the fall
• Help for getting along with my parents
• Getting my car privileges back
• Relationship with God

Summer Goals:

1. Go to church
2. Be on time
3. Find a full time job
4. Make new friends
5. Grow with God

“Christmas Spirit”

Today is Christmas Eve and usually this day is a great day of waiting and being patient for the coming day, Christmas! This year though and I’ve noticed as I have gotten older that the “Christmas Spirit” keeps fading from me. 2010 was a rough year of crazy lessons, growing up, and learning how to be independent, as is every year, but to me this year was full of them! At the moment both my parents are upset and disappointed in me for a few things I did this year especially the most recent incidents. So, instead of even having a party today, I am doing errands or stuck in the house. I have no freedom. I’m 22. About to graduate from Gordon and yet I feel pressured and stuck.

To be honest, I feel left behind.  First though I do know not to compare myself to others, but it is still something I struggle with, so bear with me here. Most of the good friends I’ve made at Gordon have already graduated, are abroad or are going abroad. I feel lonely at school sometimes. I love my floor though; they are what really get me through the days and weeks. So, I do have some people around, but I just miss my “core” group that would just randomly do fun things a lot. Many are bound for great things, amazing, and Godly things. Seeing the joy God brings them and how they live out their lives is something I would love to have and be. I am so proud of them, but how come I can’t find that joy in a new future and new plan? Mostly because I am anxious and worried and I don’t really have a plan, but Gods. I used to be able to find simple joy, but now I feel like my heart is of stone. I’ve been doing things out of character and it is making me feel horrible and not myself. I don’t know what it is.

God life and my soul are feeling pretty blackened and yucky. I haven’t been doing anything to really fix it either so that’s my bad, but I did start reading a Christian book about dealing with anxiety. My Scotland Mum got it for me before I left. It’s a really good book and has already helped me in a few chapters. Another confession I haven’t been to church in a while, last week I was just in the pageant, but I got really lazy and finals came, bad excuses but that’s what I told myself. I should have gone more; I think it would have helped me sooner. So, as you can see this Christmas Eve, Kp, has a lot of soul work and God relationships to work on. I am trying hard to keep my attitude positive although that is a challenge with my parents. Maybe a little Christmas music, a quiet walk, and the candle light service tonight will help me get into the mood and spirit of Christmas. I mean it is Jesus’ birthday after all and since He came to save me, I should at least try to be positive and show good tidings to those around me. No matter what is going on, this day isn’t about anything but HIM! I think it’s a reminder we all need.

It hasn’t been all bad! Here are some funny pictures from Christmas break so far!

What I did today Nov. 22

1. I went to Chapel

 

 

 

2. I biked to Gordon-Conwell and surprised a friend with lunch!

 

 

3. I read.

 

 

 

4. I did some homework.

 

 

 

5. Treated myself to a cool cupcake.

 

 

 

6. I hung out with my floor in my dorm.

 

 

 

All in all it was a pretty  well spent and joyful day.  -Kp

 

October and 1st 2 weeks of November in Pictures

Here are some pictures of some art work, nothing too specatular but you can sort of see how October and November have been for me emotionally

The last two pictures of me with the nice slice of cake is to celebrate 4 years of being a Christian today since 11/11/07!

Catalyst 2010: Wednesday Lab Sessions

Session 1: Tyler Wigg-Stevenson

Mr. Stevenson is founder of the Two Futures Project that is a movement of Christians against nuclear weapons. He believes that this is a crisis that demands and needs a change in leadership. He discussed how nuclear weapons were a threat to public health; it contaminates the ground and health of humans. At first I thought the lab was more about loving others, I felt like he went on and on the nuclear weapons issues a little too long and I thought he just did not grab my attention right away. Towards the end though he talked about how we can’t be good leaders if we do not love. We as American Christians need to be united. Mr. Stevenson brought up a good point on how to love the community, as it is first, then seeks the community for what it can become. If you are on the outside of a community and suddenly come into it and say that they have to change everything. No, Christian leaders need to know and be in the community so when they suggest a change more people are apt to listen. If we love the community, respect its traditions, and integrity, and then we can lead more efficiently. We must embody the creative tension that comes from overlapping but not identical values. Another important reminder is that we as leaders need to seek the victory that the community not the leader can claim. I think this is very important because even if you have the best intentions sometimes pride, boasting, and other selfish feelings we sometimes get when people put trust in us. To be an effective leader one must be intentional in that community, seeking for its best for itself and not for the leaders, and always trying to do God’s will for that community.  Towards the end of the lab, Mr. Stevenson brought up the fact that, “God does not need our big plans or dreams, He has called us to become like little Christs. The world is not Yours to save or to damn; only to serve the One whose it is.” This is such a powerful statement and good reminder. It is still good to have dreams and plans, but in the end it is God’s will and call for you. Also, sometimes I feel like I have to save the world, which is a pretty scary, impossible task alone. We need to seek God and serve Him. After all, He did create the world, all the ins and outs of every little corner of this world, who else’s better to serve? In doing so, we are saving the world.

Session 2: Scott Harrison & Jamie Twoekowski

I loved these guys. I think because they are a little closer to my age and the fact that they started small and God made it explode. Scott Harrison is founder of Charity water. When he found out that 80% of disease comes from unclean water he set out to do something about it. Charity water goes to countries that lack clean water and build wells so they can. One of the cool things about the project is that 100% of donations go straight to the well, which he laughed saying he wouldn’t recommend that because they had difficulties in paying staff. He had a vision that started out small. He said that he had to learn how to reach out to people who had a similar heart for those without clean water and they were untied in their goal of bringing clean water to all peoples. Lots of people told him no, but he never lost sight of the vision.  Jamie Twoekowski is founder of To Write Love on Her Arms. His story was definitely God’s will. He and a group of friends had a friend who was struggling with depression and they wanted to do something about it and spread awareness. It started as a MySpace group, which had on it his friend’s story. Soon, they were getting messages from other people about their own struggle and stories. Now To Write Love on Her Arms is an organization that raises awareness, fundraise to send people to places where they can heal and get the help that otherwise might not be easily available or affordable. There is even a day where people wear the t-shirts and actually write love up and down their arms to spread more awareness. Struggling from depression myself, I think this is one of those things the world really is in need of right now.  Lots people especially youth are struggling with depression, self-injury, suicidal, etc. Having a place where they can seek help is such a light into the darkness. Both speakers discussed sustainability in their organizations. Don’t lose the excitement, keep ground, and find ways to stay accountable. Step out of where you are in the process and look back to see the progress. Interact with others and talking about goals, visions, and plans. They also suggested that if you wanted to start your own organization that not to go too far outside of your idea, lean on people who know about what you are passionate about, and communicate well. Doing these will help the leader from being burnt out and able to remain focused on their goals.

Session 4: Christine Cain

Hands down the best session ever. What she had to say was so motivating and powerful I wanted to get on a plan and rescue slaves around the world until everyone was freed. Her life story is amazing. She was dropped off on a set of stairs when she was born; she went through the foster care system where about four men abused her. She started a youth center and learned a lot about evangelism especially in the local community. She worked with at-risk youth and learned how the local church team and the community can work together. When Cain learned about sex trafficking she was determined to set those salves free. A21 helps victims of human trafficking, they investigate people and help them also transition back home. I did not even realize that sex trafficking was a problem here in the states; I thought it was just overseas, but now that I know I feel motivated to help. Cain’s advice to leaders is bringing change; seek out places that want to change because you can’t change something that does not want to be changed. This was a shocking lesson for me because I figured every thing had to change whether it wants to or not. We are the church, we must own it, we are all looking to transform. In order to transform she says that we must get rid of the junk in our own hearts, do some “spiritual heart surgery.” We must get out minds and hearts settled on God’s Word. Keep the heart, mind, and soul, strong. Work from the inside out and when we do so we are more able to help those in need. Sometimes, God opens doors no man can shut and we must be obedient.

Catalyst Conference 2010 Atlanta, GA

Greetings! Its been a while but lots of exciting things have been happing. First off, I just got back from GA, from attending the Catalyst Conference and I had a blast!! I had to compile a portfolio from the conference and will be posting each section separately. I think you all will really understand how amazing this experience was for me.

Introduction

Catalyst Conference changed my life. Before Catalyst I was walking alone in the desert, lost and thirsty for God. I felt like He just wasn’t around any more. I have been in two car accidents, been sick, missing classes, and just haven’ been myself. The weekend before we were supposed to leave, I got in my 2^nd accident. After dealing with the repercussions of that and disappointing my parents once again, I hit rock bottom. I gave up. I threw my hands up and said, “God, I can’t take this anymore. I give up.” My heart had turned to cold steel, never mind stone. I walked onto the airplane with not a bit of hope, happiness, or joy.  I realize now that I had to be broken in order to get what I did out of Catalyst.

My first impressions of Catalyst were that it was so big and being around 1300 other believers was amazing! The first day I was just really overwhelmed and since I had a bad chest cold I felt pretty out of it. The best part of the first day was meeting Christine Cain and worshipping. Christine Cain was amazing. She was relatable through her personal stories and experiences. She has such a passion for youth and the future of their role in the church and encourages them to stand up and become strong leaders for Christ. It was refreshing for me to hear an adult care so much about a generation that feels abandoned. Another thing that was such a blessing and something God wanted me to experience was worship. I come from a congregational background and we usually sing hymns. I fell in love with the different interments and new songs that hit my ears and heart. I really loved worshipping with everyone. I felt like I could just worship however I wanted. It did help that I would never see most of these people again and since our class is tight I wasn’t as self-conscience. I could raise my hands, which I’ve wanted to do for a while.

A few critics about Catalyst was for the lab day the breaks were way too long, fifteen minutes would have been enough time but I do understand they wanted us to network and have ample time to do so. Also, after hearing about all the different organizations and major issues like sex trafficking it was hard for me to not feel discouraged. I was upset at the fact that I did not know about these issues as deeply as I thought. I was discouraged for a moment because here I was with all this information and being all fired up to go out and change it, but in reality I felt hopeless and lacked the tools to be able to roll up my sleeves to fix the problems of the world. It’s a daunting task we were handed. I talked with Lindsay and she said that it was good that I was so moved by this new information and reminded me not to be discouraged, that I can take one of the issues that stirred in my heart and take action. I felt a lot better than what I thought was an impossible task. I learned that I cannot save the whole world but I can help in small ways and pray for guidance of what or whom God is calling me to help. I prayed that night for God to let me know which organization to donate my time and money to.

The next day Compassion did a presentation about this guy who sponsored a boy from an impoverished country and how last year both of them finally got to meet each other. It was so emotional but and does not stop there. The boy from the impoverished country decided to sponsor a young girl from Haiti and this summer he got to visit her. To see how one act and inspired so much I felt convicted to sponsor a child. They came to Gordon College when I was a sophomore but I was not ready, not spiritually or financially, but this time is different. I felt so convicted. I wandered over to the table and looked at all the kids that needed me. Of course I wanted to sponsor them all but I knew that one would be a good start. When looking I knew I wanted it to be in a place that would be semi-easy to visit. With that in mind I found my girl. Her name is Gabriela and lives in the Dominican Republic. Right when I picked it up I knew she was the one. I felt good but nervous because I’ve been not good with my money lately, but this was so important to me and is God’s hope so I knew that God would provide and help me help Gabriela. I have full confidence and hope that one day I will visit her and experience her world. I am excited to see where God leads me through this new relationship.

Overall, Catalyst will stay with me forever. What I have learned, experienced, and the people I have met and spent time with made all the different in helping me escape the desert. I know now that God needed me to be broken, dried up, and numb in order to reach me that this point in my walk with Him. It has made all the difference. It has made me realize the importance of leadership for youth, for churches, and for those who need help. I believe because of Catalyst I will be a better youth pastor and inspirational speaker. God brought me out of the hot sands and although there is still some debris in my pockets, shoes, and hair. I am better for it and those whose lives I will touch will be as well.